Hatred
by Jasperemerald23
Summary: Gavin doesn't like the way he looks. Warning: Self-hate and eating disorder triggers!
1. In which Gavin doesn't like himself

Nobody hated Gavin more than Gavin did.

It was common knowledge at the office that Gavin dressed in the dark and had an aversion to looking in mirrors, but everyone assumed it wasn't that serious. That Gavin was just a little shy about his body and that was all.

They couldn't have been more wrong.

Every time Gavin needed to get dressed for the day, he would stop and poke at his body until Geoff yelled at him to get a move on. When he would use the bathroom at work, he occasionally looked up and stared hatefully at his reflection, and watched as it stared back at him. It almost looked like his reflection hated him as much as he did.

Worse was when they were recording a Let's Play. Ray, Michael and the others would shamelessly tease and insult him. Most of the time, he could take it. When it was about his poor gaming skills, he would laugh and agree. When it was about his badly worded comments, he would grin and shake it off. But when they brought his appearance up, that was when his grin would freeze and his hands would grip the controller so tightly he was vaguely worried it might shatter in his hands.

Occasionally Gavin would go home, hurry to his bedroom and lock the door. He would then stare at his body, pulling at bits of skin and seeing nothing but fat. His bloated stomach, his fat thighs.

He started eating healthier in order to lose weight, and it worked for a while. Geoff didn't even notice the fruits and vegetables disappearing from the fridge. But then the others would insult and tease him and eventually, Gavin decided that simply eating healthy wasn't enough. He would still stare at himself in the mirror at night, glaring at his pudgy body. Eating healthy wasn't working. But then it hit him. Eating healthy wasn't the problem.

It was _eating._

He started eating less, declining whenever the others went for lunch or staying in his room at dinnertime. And it actually started working. When he looked at his body in the mirror one day, he could see that his body wasn't so big anymore, and that encouraged him to eat even less than before.

But then Geoff noticed.

He pulled Gavin to the side at lunch one day and asked why he wasn't going out with them as much anymore, worry in his eyes. Gavin had kept his cool, saying that he was behind on his editing and working on it during lunch hours. Geoff still looked worried, but nodded and dropped it. But inside, Gavin was panicking. Geoff shouldn't have noticed. No one could notice.

So the next day, he ate a proper meal for the first time in weeks, laughing and joking with the Lads and Gents at lunch. But inside Gavin felt disgusting. He could feel himself gain weight with every bite he took, so when he got home, he excused himself to the bathroom, locked the door, and quickly shoved his fingers to the back of his throat, forcing out the fattening lunch. It hurt, and the bile burned his mouth, but he was grinning anyway. Now he could finally lose all the fat that had been torturing and laughing at him for months.

It was finally working. The scale's numbers kept dropping, and the bulging fat kept disappearing. But then one night, Gavin finished throwing up and made his way back to his room, tossing his shirt to the other side of the room and stepping out of his jeans leaving him only in his boxers, and stood in front of the mirror, analysing his appearance. He started poking at his stomach and thighs again, feeling nothing but pure fat. His hands brushed over his collarbone, seeing how it was almost invisible, and felt his ribs, fingers pressing on nothing but bulging flesh. His eyes teared up, drops trickling down his cheeks as he stared at his body, as hatefully as before. He had come so close to being thin, and it had been cruelly tugged away from him.

Well, his body wouldn't win. Gavin would keep purging, and the numbers on the scale would keep dropping, and he would finally be skinny, rid of all the fat that was staring at him, mocking him.

Because no one hated Gavin more than Gavin did.


	2. In which Michael finds out

Nobody loved Gavin more than Michael did.

No one ever noticed the way he looked at Gavin during a Let's Play, with a large grin and a slight gleam in his eyes. They never noticed it through all the classic Rage Quit screams and insults. And of course they could never tell that Michael was completely in love with him.

But when he saw Gavin one day sneaking some fruit from the fridge, he didn't really think much of it. He just assumed that Gavin was on a diet and didn't want to be made fun of, so he dropped it.

But then Gavin refused to eat with them at lunch, and that's when Michael got a bit suspicious.

He began watching Gavin closely, and to his horror, he saw that Gavin didn't eat once all day. Not even fruit. He forced himself to keep calm, though. Maybe he ate as soon as he got home. That was probably it.

Gavin's eating habits were pushed to the back of his mind after that. Gavin was a grown man and Michael knew that despite having the I.Q. of a seven year old, he could take care of himself.

But when Gavin started wearing increasingly baggy sweaters and jeans, Michael's hopes were instantly shattered.

He finally confronted him during a Rage Quit. Between Michael's furious shouts and Gavin's dopey comments, it was turning out to be a great video. Finally, their characters both died and after some more screaming, Gavin reached up to switch off the camera, and Michael's heart lurched horribly.

Gavin's sleeve had been pulled up a little during the video, and Michael finally got the chance to see a wrist that looked too small and too thin. He looked up to see Gavin laughing about something as he turned the camera off, and Gavin looked expectantly at Michael. After a moment of silence, Gavin frowned slightly.

"Mi-cool? Are you alright?"

Instead of answering, Michael bluntly asked "Gavin, why haven't you been eating?"

Gavin's eyes widened and he instantly pulled his sweater sleeve over the exposed skin. "Wh-what are you talking about, Mi-cool? I've been eating…"

"That's crap and you know it." Michael snapped, then his expression changed and became softer. "Gav, you know I'm your friend, right? I care about you. You can tell me anything." Gavin stood up suddenly, and Michael was surprised to see unshed tears shining in his green eyes.

"I-I'm fine, Mi-cool! Please just leave me alone!" Gavin cried, running out of the room, leaving Michael in shock.

_If I had noticed, could I have stopped him from hurting himself? Could I have saved him?_

Gavin wasn't going to win this fight. Michael was determined to find out why his boy was so broken and do everything he could to fix him.

Because nobody loved Gavin more than Michael did.


	3. In which Michael tries to heal his boy

No one was more worried about Gavin than Michael was.

Gavin didn't come back that day. When Michael asked Geoff about it, he claimed that Gavin had said he didn't feel well and asked to go home, which upset Michael even more. As much as he wanted to leave immediately, there was a huge amount of work to do and he was sure Geoff wouldn't let both Gavin _and _Michael leave early, so he stayed, glancing at the clock every minute and his leg jerking up and down like he was about to bounce out of his chair.

As soon as it was time to leave, Michael jumped up and practically ran out of the room, rushing to his car. The ride there only took minutes, though it felt like years, even with Michael going slightly over the speed limit. When he finally arrived, he jumped out of the car and hurried to the door, opening it with the spare key he carried around with him.

"Gavin?" Michael called as he shut the door behind him. The house was silent and dark as Michael crept through it, pausing only to look in the empty rooms for any sign of life. But when he reached the bathroom and heard retching, he stopped dead. _Oh god…_

"Gavin, is that you?" Michael asked, panic lacing his words as he banged on the door. The noises stopped, but the door didn't open. No laughing Gavin appeared to reassure Michael that this was all one bad dream.

"Gavvers? Open the door!" Michael shouted as he struggled to turn the locked doorknob. The retching resumed, although it sounded quieter than before. Michael swore loudly and backed away from the door.

"Last chance, Gav. Let me in or I'm breaking down the door." The sick sounds didn't stop, so Michael ran at the door full speed, jumping up and slamming his foot against the wood. The door splintered and flung open, and Michael's heart lurched at the sight before him.

Gavin was on his knees in front of the toilet, his fingers down his throat and he was vomiting violently into the porcelain bowl. His unused hand was clutching the seat so hard his knuckles were pure white.

"Gavin!" Michael cried out, rushing to his friend and wrapping his arms around him, struggling to pull him away from the toilet. Surprisingly, Gavin held on, still straining to purge the non-existent fat, his fingers still shoved down his throat. Michael finally wrenched Gavin away, his friend striving to pull away.

"Please, Michael!" Gavin cried, and Michael was surprised to hear tears marring the words. "Please, just let me go!"

Talking took up too much energy, so Michael bit his lip and pulled Gavin to the ground, feeling the Brit go limp and hearing the sobs keeping him from begging again.

"It's alright, Gav. I'm here. It's okay." Michael murmured as he pulled his friend into his arms, stroking the back of Gavin's hair and feeling his shoulders shake.

They stayed like that for what seemed like hours, until Gavin's sobs quieted to a sniffle and his shaking stopped. At that moment, Michael knew it was time to set his friend straight.

"Gavin?" A slight "mmm" signalled that Gavin was listening. "Why were you doing that?" At first there was silence, then Gavin finally spoke up.

"Because I'm fat." Michael's heart stopped for a moment. How could his boy, his beautiful, perfect boy think of himself as _fat_?

"Gavin, listen to me. Are you listening?" He felt a slight nod against his chest.

"Gav, you are _not_ fat. You are anything but fat." Michael frowned when he heard a slight scoff. "Gavin, I'm serious." Gavin shook his head.

"You don't have to lie to make me feel better, Mi-cool. I already know I'm fat." Michael was silent for a moment, then let go of Gavin.

"Stand up." Gavin raised an eyebrow, but complied. "Take your shirt off." Gavin's eyes widened, and Michael hastily said, "Not in that way… Just work with me."

Gavin's fingers delicately pinched the edge of his sweater. "Do I have to?" At Michael's nod, Gavin sighed and hesitantly pulled the sweater and t-shirt over his head.

Gavin was a skeleton. His collarbone looked it was about to pop out of his skin, his hips were incredibly prominent, and Michael could count every one of his ribs. Michael felt sick, finally seeing the damage that his Gavin had willingly inflicted upon himself.

"Gavin, look at yourself." Michael said, taking hold of Gavin's shoulders and turning him towards the bathroom mirror. "I can practically see every bone in your body. You call that fat?" Gavin shut his eyes and nodded, and Michael felt like crying.

"Gav…" Michael trailed off, got on his knees and pressed his lips to every rib in Gavin's body. Gavin let out a small squeak, and Michael looked up, his face flushing. "Di- did you not like that? I'm sorry-"

"It's fine, Mi-cool!" Gavin interrupted, genuinely smiling for the first time in months. "But, you missed." Michael frowned.

"What did you mean, I missed?" Before Michael could say anything else, Gavin had a firm grip on the front of his t-shirt and pulled him to his feet, pressing his lips to Michael's.

It would take a while, but Gavin would be alright. Michael would save him and heal his broken mind, and Gavin would let him. Michael would be the only person in the world allowed to heal him, because Gavin trusted him more than anyone else.

Because no one loved Michael more than Gavin did.


	4. In which Gavin is a little less broken

"Mi-cool, I don't want to do this." Gavin whispered, fearful eyes locked on the restaurant in front of them.

"It'll be good for you, Gav." Michael persuaded, squeezing his boyfriend's hand in comfort. "It's been a while since you ate out. And plus, I want to treat my boy." He added, winking. Gavin smiled weakly and let out a shaky breath. "I guess." Michael grinned, pulling Gavin through the door and they settled down at a small table. Gavin still looked nervous, and Michael couldn't blame him.

It had been a couple weeks since Michael had found him purging, and since then, a lot of things had happened, mainly Michael asking Gavin if he'd like to be his boyfriend and Gavin agreeing to try to start eating again. His bones weren't as prominent as before, but Michael knew that he still had a long way to go.

"What can I get you boys to drink?" The young waitress serving them asked, smiling. Michael asked for a beer, but Gavin looked down and simply ordered an ice water. Michael looked at him, hints of disappointment in his eyes.

"Gavin, water isn't going to help anything…" But Gavin simply shook his head. "Gav, you promised me…"

"I know, Michael!" Gavin's head snapped up, eyes glaring. Just as suddenly as his anger appeared, it vanished. Gavin's shoulders slumped and he rested his head in his hands, his elbows balanced on the table. "I'm sorry. I'm such an idiot, why did you even bring me here? I'm sure Ray or Geoff would have been much more fun…"

"Gavin." Michael's voice was firm, yet comforting. Gavin's head lifted off his palms slightly, his hazel eyes looking at Michael curiously. "I took you here because I love you, and I want to help you get better." Michael reached over and took both Gavin's hands in his own. "That's what I want more than anything, you know that? All I want is my beautiful boyfriend to see how beautiful he really is." He smiled at Gavin, squeezing his hands, and his smile widened to a grin when Gavin squeezed back.

Suddenly, Gavin tensed up and his face fell. "The waitress, she's coming back. I can't do this-"

"Yes you can, Gavy. I'll be right beside you." Michael reassured, letting go on one of his hands but keeping a firm grip on the other. "I'll be with you every step of the way." Michael gently pulled Gavin toward him, quickly pressing their lips together in a loving kiss. Once they pulled apart and scooted over to their proper seats, Michael shot him a small wink and whispered "You can do this." And for the first time, Gavin truly believed he could.

It was true that Gavin ordered a slightly small meal, but under Michael's watchful eye, he was sure to swallow every last bite, and their hands stayed tightly clasped the entire time.

Gavin would be okay, because no one cared more about Gavin's recovery than Michael did.


End file.
